Moving to a foreign country changes you and alters family relationships. You are no longer the same as before, and your family changes, too. How do you find your new bearings? How do you accept the changes induced by these long-distance relationships?
Small cultural shifts impacting family relationships
Whether you've just moved abroad or have been an expatriate for a long time, you might notice subtle changes in your speech, actions, tastes, and choices. These changes may seem insignificant to you but not to your family members. When you visit home for the holidays, you notice slight differences鈥攁nd so do they. Meals, clothing, opinions...聽It's a fact: you've changed. Or rather, living in a foreign country has changed you. This change is quite ordinary, but聽its impact on family relationships might not be fully appreciated.
Rest assured: by "impact," it doesn't necessarily mean something negative. Most of the time, it's positive. Imbued with the culture of your host country, you bring new knowledge to your family. Everyday things,聽like having meals together, going for walks, or shopping, become a new experience for聽both聽you and them. The surprise will be聽greater聽if you move to a country whose culture聽is very different聽from yours. Family relationships are also about building: just as you've gradually integrated the culture of your host country, it might take time for your family to adjust to the "new you." It's聽important聽to聽be understanding聽and not get defensive when a Skype conversation feels like an interrogation.
Still a family member, but also a "stranger"聽聽
"You've changed." "We don't recognize you anymore." "But you used to like this, right?" "You have expensive tastes now!" "What's happened to you!" "We don't understand each other anymore." "Listen, it's always been like this here." "What are you on about now?"
These are聽just聽a few family interactions you might experience after becoming an expatriate.聽Understanding and calm will be your best allies. Do you feel like the "misunderstood" or "stranger" of the family? You're right:聽just聽living far from your loved ones affects family relationships. The culture of a foreign country changes you more than you might think. Your new perspectives on each聽other largely聽explain the gap between you and your family. Living abroad may lead you to question what you used to take for granted.聽The culture ingrained from childhood,聽the way聽to live out family, friendship, and professional relationships must all be relearned to integrate into the host country, especially if its culture聽is very different聽from yours.
From their side, your family no longer sees you as "before." You're perpetually absent, missing聽both聽major and minor family events: birthdays, celebrations, etc. It's hard on those who stay behind, especially if they notice you forgetting聽important聽gatherings. You no longer call for birthdays, for example.聽Here too, it聽takes聽time,聽from both聽sides,聽to understand these lapses (you don't do it on purpose) and to find new common ground.
A new story to write
To better write the new family story, you聽need to聽go back to the beginning: how did the international relocation come about? Does your family travel a lot? Are they keen on discovering other cultures? A sudden move abroad can be unsettling. We often think about the one who leaves and forget about those who stay. But whether the move was quick or not, learning to reconnect from afar is a skill.
Will family ties withstand a move abroad for a few years or a lifetime? That's what you and your loved ones will have to manage. To better navigate these new family relationships, it's better to come to terms with letting go. The first months of living in a foreign country will have you groping in the dark until you're comfortable with the established means of communication: the long Saturday afternoon video chat, the 10-minute calls at the start or end of the day, emails filled with photos...聽Learn to respect each other's schedules and time zones! It's warm where you are, cold where they are, or vice versa. It's night for you, broad daylight for them.
You'll notice these shifts in your conversations as well. You'll learn to accept this change while staying alert for any signs of concern from your side and your loved ones. Your stay abroad should not deteriorate family聽bonds,聽but rather strengthen them.
Learn to manage the聽distance
Isn't it said, "Out of sight, close to the heart?" The challenge is to remain a family, even at a distance.聽It's often said聽that everything聽is felt聽"more intensely" when you're miles apart.聽This聽is also true for the family back home. They may know nothing of your host country and discover it through you. Some families live the move of their loved one 200% and learn聽a lot聽about the foreign country. Others do not share this desire to travel vicariously and are satisfied with聽the information you provide.
But the mere fact that you live in a foreign country makes it closer for your family. News mentioning your host country聽quickly聽becomes crucial to them. They'll find themselves mentioning your host country in conversation.聽This聽is聽a good聽way to maintain the connection while聽keeping in mind聽that you're聽not the only聽one with stories to share.聽Your family is also moving forward. Show interest in their lives, and don't monopolize conversations with your adventures. It may not be immediately聽obvious, but it comes quickly.
Also,聽keep in mind聽that you will indeed be "the big absent" from family events. Instead of trying to compensate for this absence, be there when you can, in your聽own聽way. Make it clear to your loved ones that you continue to think about them even if you forget their birthday (it happens to those who don't move abroad, too!). Gradually build your distant family relationships so that everyone can find their place.
