Mzungu girl dating Kenyan man

6POSTS

10 years ago

Hi I need advice from Kenyan ladies or women in my position!
I've been in a long distance relationship with Kenyan man for nearly three years now. I visit him 4-5 times a year, at the start I was so wary of him wanting me for a visa or money (u know the normal stereotypes) but infact he never asks me for anything and has no interest moving here. My problem is communication, he is Awful at it and it's kind of important when you don't see each other for months on end!!
If I call him it's fine we talk, everything is great but it's not cheap to call so I got him phone for his birthday, set up WhatsApp etc and it's great being able to send pics etc well it's great when he bothers! he is useless he doesn't read messages for hours or he doesn't reply it's caused us quite a few arguments as I say why can't you reply or just say your busy if u can't talk, all he says is I'm sorry I'm just distracted! He doesn't work full time so he can't be that busy!! all Im being told by people is if he cared enough he would make more effort which is what I think however I've also been told this is an African man they aren't like western men relationships are very different, but are they?! I just don't know if I'm wasting my time!! I've said to him so many times if your not interested anymore or bored just tell me!! He says I'm being stupid, he loves me and when I'm there he is amazing, won't leave me alone shows me so much love but soon as I'm home it's me doing all the effort & it's starting to get to me now

I said to him i need attention and asked how do u know how to show love & he said physically! That's no good to me here is it!!
I love him & wanted give it a shot but think I need to understand men there a bit more culturally and how relationships are? I know u can't generalise but any advice on Kenyan men id appreciate! I'm aware they think they are above women and rule the roost he has already shown that (not in a bad way) so it's clear there are some differences to men I'm used too! He is kikuyu if that makes any difference?! Do u think there is a big difference between western relationships and African ones? For example First time we went on holiday he said he struggled being with just me 24/7 as it's not done there? men hang out with men, women with women it's unusual to spend so much time with your partner is that true? He has done it since & says he is getting used to it now but just things like that I find odd?
Thanks in advance for any help sorry for the long ramble!!!

The Kenya expat guide

Comprehensive and free

Read it now

Bubbles55 New member

6POSTS

10 years ago

Easier said than done to move there wish I could!!

Noeline Wanjiru Member

13POSTS

10 years ago

moving in is never a solution!!! maybe you should take a breather then see how it goes? Kenyan men are not very good in communication

gbella Member

24POSTS

10 years ago

Hi Bubbles,

Take my advice, run!

This doesn't make any sense at all. Someone who is uncommunicative because apparently 'he is distracted'???? Oh and you bought it a phone so you can 'communicate' better. And what, long distance relationship for a Kenyan man! ya right. Chic, am Kenyan, am telling you, guurrrlll, this guy is using you! Period. If he is soooo distracted to stay in touch, you better distract yourself with something!

And the excuse 'Kenyan men are not very good at communicating' that my dear is BS. Yes it is. Those are the excuses we make for people so that we can feel good. If he values you, he will SHOW IT.

Kneel down, thank God, the rise up and run!

1 member reacted to this post

stumpy Laos Expert

18028POSTS

10 years ago

@Bubbles55b

You are being used. Bail out.聽 I agree with gbella on this. My knowledge of Kenyans is different to what your
guy is.

Your call.

1 member reacted to this post

patrickidime Member

10POSTS

10 years ago

communication,trust and culture are all vital in any relationship and @bubble just do ur part and dont give up communicating to him. He might wake up

nelly2000 Guest

0POSTS

10 years ago

Hello,If he is a Kikuyu guy,they doesn't have that strict聽 traditions or culture(live normally just like u,i know dont have much traditions)聽 over women unlike other tribes in our country, i being one of them,so the聽 guy might have no interest with you and doesnt care about you.go ahead discuss the matter with him if you really loves him or do away with him if he proceed with that bad mood over you,gudluck

tafara manyere Member

10POSTS

10 years ago

This depends on him not to talk about traditions me here i need to a white woman to marry her never mind about it everything will be ok

Bubbles55 New member

6POSTS

10 years ago

#10

Thanks for advice guys we had argument today about his lack of communication he said I'm busy I can't talk to u all day so I said I don't expect you to talk to me all day, but not replying to my messages for hours is rude! He said he thinks he is not enough so if I'm not happy I need to find someone else. Was warned about kikuyu men today by Kenyan girl saying all they care about is money and they treat women really badly so I'm feeling really down about it all now!! He is so great when I'm there I can't fault him at all can someone really put on that much of a great act?! My friends and family have met him too as I know u can be blinded by love they all love him too think he is genuine I am so confused

Bubbles55 New member

6POSTS

10 years ago

#11

I find him quite manipulating at times I start off telling him why I'm not happy and he ends up twisting it making it about him and how im obviously bored of him and this is any excuse to get away from him!!!

stumpy Laos Expert

18028POSTS

10 years ago

#12

Bubbles55 wrote:
I find him quite manipulating at times I start off telling him why I'm not happy and he ends up twisting it making it about him and how im obviously bored of him and this is any excuse to get away from him!!!

By now the rose tinted glasses have fallen from your eyes and you now see him for what he is.
We have all given you our honest opinions and hopefully you have taken that on board.

Cut your losses and bail out. Lesson learned.

Longonot62 Kenya Advisor

1521POSTS

10 years ago

#13

The other thing to consider is that he probably has another girlfriend, or maybe more than one. Traditionally Kikuyu's can have more than one wife and although this is no longer common, an overspill is that Kikuyu men often have mistresses.聽 Most of the Kikuyu men that I know operate like this.聽 Their wives are usually aware!

From what you say, he may even have a wife and you are his mistress - have you thought of that?聽 It would be ideal for him, as you visit from time to time...................!!

My wife is Kikuyu and she often says that there was no way she could have dated a Kikuyu man, for the reasons you have outlined, plus their unfaithfulness.

nelly2000 Guest

0POSTS

10 years ago

#14

hello @Longonot,thats not true,I am KIKUYU,please dont confuse the tribe with individual opinion,your wife do lie to you i guess so.Other thing kikuyu are christian as well as聽 our tradtion are not allowed to marry more than one wife unless聽 they have to.BUT @BUBBLE i would like to ask u one question,are u married to each other or he is your boyfriend?

gbella Member

24POSTS

10 years ago

#15

honestly...this conversation is insane. This is not about tribe, religion et al. Its about聽 two people being in two different places at the same time! physically, mentally, emotionally! You are not seeking the same things. Period. If you were, you wouldn't be here asking - that's how you know!!!!

One more time, Chic - run!

Bubbles55 New member

6POSTS

10 years ago

#16

No I don't agree just because we live apart now doesn't mean that won't change my question was about culture as what I see every day there is very different from UK so if I understood more then I could decide from there if I could handle it but it is also unfair to judge a whole group of people as the same. No not married and I've turned up unannounced no sign of any wife I've met his family friends I'm sure there is no wife thanks for your comments all

rachelnaj Active member

36POSTS

10 years ago

#17

Bubbles55,
My opinion on this issue is give him the benefit of doubt.Having interacted with him in person you know him better than any of us.No single person under the sun is the same;culture and race notwithstanding.Our cultures and upbringing may to some extent influence how we perceive life but that does not necessarily shape the person we become in life.

The next time you guys are together,have a candid conversation about all the issues that are of utmost concern to you two,what you each value in a relationship,how you can work around your 'differences' agree to disagree聽 and you will find a common ground.All the best:)

marmaris67 Member

3POSTS

10 years ago

#18

Wow. I really feel for you. Ive been involved with a Kikuyu for 14 months.聽 We are married. He too does not communicate that well and gives me impression on occasion that he doesn't care about me.聽 That said it is much improved since we first met.聽 Like you I have met all his family and they attended our wedding. I too had so many doubts but I recently visited his family in Nyeri without him being there and they were very honest about him.聽 They said he was not a responsible person and bad communicator but they had seen an improvement since we had become involved.聽 When I am there or he is here he is like a different person, so attentive, takes me to see various members of family and never leaves me for a minute.聽 It has drove me mad, it has felt like a very long and stressful battle but we are getting there.聽 If we have issues then I generally chat with this sisters to get their help and advise.
I would like to go and live there but don't seem to be able to get to grips with the immigrations rules or What the hell a 'dependants Pass' is.
I guess only you can decide what you want to do.聽 Personally myself I would say that you have been in this relationship for a long enough time to draw your own conclusions.聽 If you are the one making all the compromises and efforts then I guess you are wasting your time and effort.聽 If however he puts in a good share then stick with it but you need to be honest with yourself and analyse all aspects of your relationship.聽 That is what I did and discussed it the my hubby.聽 That was when he started to make some changes and effort as if he hadn't them I would have finished it.

Good Luck

Longonot62 Kenya Advisor

1521POSTS

10 years ago

#19

Nelly2000, I object to your accusation that my wife is lying......do you know her?聽 Thought not.聽 It is not a matter of her opinion.聽 I know several Kikuyu's who have more than one wife and they are all christians.聽 As I said, it is no longer common.聽 We live in a Kikuyu community and I have observed that many of the men have a wife and a girlfriend.聽 I am not saying that it is universal, just that it is common.聽

My comment is merely an observation.

Bubbles55 New member

6POSTS

10 years ago

#20

Thank you very much I appreciate all your comments well since the argument he has been making a lot more effort and has apologised for not doing enough I think I just wanted to understand if men there are as different as I am being told they are! It's very frustrating as when I'm there he is amazing聽 and very affectionate he has a very big heart and does so much for charities and helping out Street kids he is a good person so I don't think this is about me being used I don't send him money ever and I know he doesn't earn much so if he was using me think I'd have been asked by now! I think the distance gets to me and he also doesn't understand my life as he has never left kenya we want him to come here for a holiday but been told not to bother even applying as he would get refused

it's tough being in any relationship but I really do appreciate all your comments thank you all

nelly2000 Guest

0POSTS

10 years ago

#21

well@ LONGONOT,'marrying more than one wife,no longer common,thats true' @MAMARIS FT LONGONOT, if we really talk about the tribe(Kikuyu),we are contradicting the whole thing here cos these are two lovers who are in disagreement like any other fiancees聽 there outside.by the way, Kikuyu are way more better like any other 41 tribes here in kenya cos they doesnt have that strict cultures and tradition,i am not biasing kikuyu tribe anyway iam talking the truth,please dont get me wrong

stumpy Laos Expert

18028POSTS

10 years ago

#22

Can we all take a deep breathe and get back on topic. The posts are now getting personal.
If not then admin are likely to close this thread.
Thank you all.

DRALVIC Member

11POSTS

10 years ago

#23

bubbles....the feelings you have enjoyed thinking about him are worthwhile, don't regret even a bit.. just take a walk...wasting your time on closed door denies your eyes chances to spot obvious better open doors around you..just don't stereotype Kenyan men some of us we are adored by our wazungu girlfriends and we treat them like Angeles that they are to us.

marmaris67 Member

3POSTS

10 years ago

#24

I agree with stumpy.聽
The post was about a girl asking advise on Kenyan men, by way of comment she mentioned he was Kikuyu if that made any difference.聽 There has been a lot of negativity here regarding him using her and rude and insulting comments regarding Kikuyu's and Kikuyu men in general.
She was asking for advice not aggravation.She clearly wants to be with her man and is simply asking advice so she can understand better what makes him tick so she can then find a way to deal with the situation.聽 Please be nice and helpful. It does no one any good giving negative advice or hurling insults.
And to the person who has privately sent me an insulting message, and you know who you are, please stop or I will report you.
I think Bubbles will have heard enough of this by now and with little in the way of encouragement probably is wishing she hadn't bothered, so I think that we should all now take a break from this particular post and give the girl a rest.
My final comment is: BUBBLES, you have been together 3 years, if he didn't want you he wouldn't answer the phone. Long distance relationships are difficult at the best of times, please remember you both have different cultures, religions and have different understandings of what is important to each of you and in life.聽 Take a back seat and relax a little, the anxiety is has caused you will be pouring into the relationship.聽 Ease a little on the pressure as it may make him more unwilling to move forward.聽 I'm sure you can come to a compromise if you both talk calmly, face to face about all the issues you have with each other and the long distance relationship in general, it may also be helpful to discuss how you see your long term relationship going and where you want to be in 1, 2 or 5 years time.聽 Maybe if you both have a common goal it may help.聽 Please don't listen to anyone trying to discourage you, if he is want you want then it is up to both of you to find a way forward.聽 It worked for me.
I for one WISH YOU ALL THE LUCK AND HAPPINESS, and hoping to see a post that all is well and you are getting married!!聽 HAHAHA

1 member reacted to this post

The Kenya expat guide

Comprehensive and free

Read it now

Priscilla ViP

42358POSTS

10 years ago

#25

Hi everybody,

I really think that now this topic is going nowhere and getting personal, therefore it is best that we close it straight away.

Do note that we are on an expat website where we help people to move abroad and to see life abroad, we are really not apt to discuss on personal issues.

I would also like to remind you that we are not here to judge or criticize any ethnic group !
We are all here on a friendly platform to help each other and to share free information .

Thanks,

Priscilla

[ Topic closed ]

Closed