How to date a foreigner and NOT get your heart broken? page 2 - Vietnam forum

How to date a foreigner and NOT get your heart broken?

37POSTS

13 years ago

Hi, Good points easy heart. Any chance you could elaborate more on what serious financial difficulties means? Surely this should never be a problem if two people love each other?
I do know couples that have split up because of sexual incompatibility. Though many keep it too themselves and quote other reasons.
Also, there are many stories one hears in the UK about people not having sex before marriage ( yes , it still does occur with some people in the west too) Strangely enough one often here's that the woman is the unlucky person in a lot of these marriages. Why? Well it seems that an inexperienced man can find it difficult to give an inexperienced woman an orgasm and one hears that after 30 yrs of marriage and an eventual breakup. The woman finds a man who can at last give her, her first orgasm! Unbelievable? The strangest things in life are true.
I had an Irish friend who was a sex councilor in Ireland, basically her job was to help couples with conception problems.
She told me a couple came to her one day and asked why she couldn't become pregnant. It seems that they were doing it in the "wrong hole" namely the belly button!
Wow!Can you believe it! They were both 'horizontily challenged' If that goes anyway near explaining it.
I do hope the internet has sorted this problem out for people.

UKGuyInSaigon Active member

70POSTS

13 years ago

#42

As usual, I dont wish to be controversial, but just to put a few questions out there and on this occasion, I am wondering if a lot of the reasons EasyHeart gives for breakups are in fact, secretly to do with sexual incompatibility, but just dressed up as something else. After all, sex is often a bit of a taboo subject, especially, it would seem, in a country where it is considered best to wait till after marriage. So could cheating, be the result of dissatisfaction in the bedroom, so one or the other of the partners finds a need to look elsewhere, could deceiving simply be a symptom of cheating, could out of love also be a symptom of cheating, or at least wanting to cheat and therefore transference of feelings to another person, could emotional unfulfillment come from the same transfer of feelings or as a result of sexual unfulfillment, could domestic violence arise (in some cases) due to frustration caused by lack of sexual release, could long distance not work because sexual temptation on the doorstep is too difficult to resist when ones partner is in a different time zone.

Chinhngo, you say "it is better nowadays", does that mean you think the situation with women remaining virgins is not a good situation?

TrangDoan Guest

0POSTS

13 years ago

#43

UKGuyInSaigon wrote:
I am not sure how this can be healthy in terms of finding ling lasting love and creating a successful marriage in the future. Surely, if someone doesnt have much sexual experience then they are unlikely to be able to fulfil their partners needs and desires and will end up missing out on a good and fulfilling sex life themselves. Or not? Maybe it is a good thing to to have a vast array of experience in the bedroom department because it makes people more loyal to their partner and more appreciative of the physical love and affection that they can get from their partner and their partner alone? Any comments welcome...

I agree with your opinions on the positive effects of sex in love and marital life. However, again we should mention on the culture aspect of the people and country.

For Vietnamese, we consider the mentality compatibility above the physical compatibility and also the family tradition. There is still a boundary for young people to have sex before marriage and there are also strong marriages for the couples without the compatibility in sex life.

UKGuyInSaigon wrote:
After all, sex is often a bit of a taboo subject, especially, it would seem, in a country where it is considered best to wait till after marriage. So could cheating, be the result of dissatisfaction in the bedroom, so one or the other of the partners finds a need to look elsewhere, could deceiving simply be a symptom of cheating, could out of love also be a symptom of cheating, or at least wanting to cheat and therefore transference of feelings to another person, could emotional unfulfillment come from the same transfer of feelings or as a result of sexual unfulfillment, could domestic violence arise (in some cases) due to frustration caused by lack of sexual release, could long distance not work because sexual temptation on the doorstep is too difficult to resist when ones partner is in a different time zone.

These are not only outstanding problems in the families and society in Vietnam nowadays, but also the problems in the countries where the liberation of the sex applied. As the result, the commitment in the relationships is weaken. The man is unfaithful. He can have some women at same time to find his sex compatibility and enjoy it (for the woman, this trend is less).

In聽 Vietnam, I think soon the boundary and sex concept聽 will be changed by generation.

VungTauDon Serial expat

684POSTS

13 years ago

#44

Here is an interesting article about sex and marriage in Vietnam

Teacher Mark Serial expat

978POSTS

13 years ago

#45

EasyHeart New member

4POSTS

13 years ago

#46

Seriously, you gave me such a good laugh, UKguyinSaigon. According to you, the root of all problems in this life is just sex. If what you said was true, porn stars would be the most happy people. Haha...

It is different for everyone, so I have no other argument.聽 Some people find happiness by their heart. Others find it through sex.

UKGuyInSaigon Active member

70POSTS

13 years ago

#47

Hehe, well I am pleased you are enjoying the conversation

I am also delighted that you are participating, because there are a lot of questions to be answered about relationships. I know for sure that I want my next love to be my last - i.e. I dont want to go through the pain of another break up - so I want to learn as much as I can from as many people as possible about what works for them and what doesnt - maybe it is a silly, idealistic thing to try and achieve, but it is what is in my head at the moment so I am really pleased that so many people are chipping in and helping to expand on this topic with their different opinions and experiences.

EasyHeart wrote:
Seriously, you gave me such a good laugh, UKguyinSaigon. According to you, the root of all problems in this life is just sex. If what you said was true, porn stars would be the most happy people. Haha...

It is different for everyone, so I have no other argument.聽 Some people find happiness by their heart. Others find it through sex.

Helen Trinh Active member

62POSTS

13 years ago

#48

No one is perfect. I can only say: Just be yourself. If that women doesnt like it - screw her. You dont want to be someone you麓re not.

I believe that all things happens for a reason.

Good luck pal!

UKGuyInSaigon Active member

70POSTS

13 years ago

#49

I've been reading this fascinating book this week, which is basically suggesting that many relationships fail and lead to heartbreak and pain, because they are based on a fundamental mis-understanding, or mis-conception of how love works! Pretty controversial stuff - I would love to hear what you guys think about it, free copy available for d/l here

orange odissey Member

22POSTS

13 years ago

#50

Foreigner or not you'll always get your heart broken, that's what guys do... you just need to figure it out if the guy s worth it or not...

UKGuyInSaigon Active member

70POSTS

13 years ago

#51

Woah, Orange, steady on there, the whole point of this discussion is to look for ways to avoid or at least minimise the difficult and painful bits of relationships. There are many schools of thought that suggest this is not only possible, but relatively easy! Check out that book I referred to earlier and see what you think. There are also people posting here who have achieved successful relationships, so I would really hope we can work towards a solution!

orange odissey wrote:
Foreigner or not you'll always get your heart broken, that's what guys do... you just need to figure it out if the guy s worth it or not...

VungTauDon Serial expat

684POSTS

13 years ago

#52

The book seems to be about couples already in a relationship and having sex where as normally in Vietnam the couples are in a relationship for awhile before there is talk of sex. This is the single biggest cause of heartache for the girl. Dating a foreign man she may feel pressured into having sex either because she feels like this will give him some type of connection to him or she feels that if she doesn't have sex with him he will just find someone else.

orange odissey Member

22POSTS

13 years ago

#53

Well, I would actually say to just follow your "sixth sense". Intuition is the masterpiece. We always know deep in our heart who is good for us.

UKGuyInSaigon Active member

70POSTS

13 years ago

#54

Hey, if anyone would like to meet and discuss this and whatever else in the real world, then I will be at a coffee shop in D1 on Sunday afternoon - pvt me if you would like to come along and I will give you the address.

orange odissey Member

22POSTS

13 years ago

#55

This should be a pretty interesting discussion

TrangDoan Guest

0POSTS

13 years ago

#56

VungTauDon wrote:
This is the single biggest cause of heartache for the girl. Dating a foreign man she may feel pressured into having sex either because she feels like this will give him some type of connection to him or she feels that if she doesn't have sex with him he will just find someone else.

VungTauDon wrote:
Here is an interesting article about sex and marriage in Vietnam
聟 -life.html

Bravo VungTauDon. I like what you wrote so far :-)

chinhngo Active member

51POSTS

13 years ago

#57

My meaning of " it is better now a day" for the second reason " The man (Vietnamese man) like the virgin girl, they are thinking better (some of them accept the unvirgin girl to be their wife. That i mean, the man is thinking better.
If the man accept the virgin girl, if they are not selfish then the girl think different about the virgin. all of us like to be happy.

princess sandra Serial expat

270POSTS

13 years ago

#58

" how to date a foreigner and not get your heart broken?"

is that your title Mr. UKguyinSaigon,
well, this is weird, should be a woman who posted this. But anyway even though women and men are different basically they still same we are human being, we can feels sad, happy, broken heart, curious, angry, confused.etc

all human being would love to be treat same, if i were in relationship with expat guy, i would never checking him 24/7 by phone or text or whatever even though i really knew another indonesian women will greedy with caucasian / expat guys.
i would not also controlling his phone cell, his FB, his email, i don't need to make my days hard just thinking of him and worried if he cheated on me or not, because of what? simple i have my own business tho than thinking of him only, i have my friends, family and my job.
so we are just keep respect to each other business.
foreign as western freedom culture must be open minded for sex, so there is no reason for asian women to NOT doing sex before married when they are in relationship with expat guys, sex always happening....
and last but not least just be a nice partner for your expat BF, being a multi talented girl, we can be his best friends, his sister, his enemy, his mom, his everything, make your man feels comfortable beside you no matter what, trust me its works!!

good luck.

lonelierbydozens Member

17POSTS

13 years ago

#59

Being a virgin till very late does not happen by choice, either by any particular reasons in Vietnam. It is culture. Just like other cultural things, such as eating with chopsticks or staying in a multi generations family. It is simply that Vietnamese women and even men do not sleep around before and out of the marrige. Anything other than that by now is still considered as a miscellaneous culture or immorality.

If you live in Vietnam and are interested in being in a relationship with a Vietnamese woman, you should already know or care to learn about it before you ask the question of heartbreak matter.

But in case you are still too new in Vietnam that you cant understand at all about its culture. This is the answer for you, you should get to know the woman and let her know your points well before you bring her to your bed. In the meanwhile, you can figure out if you both are in love to talk about future and commiment. That is how it works in Vietnam commonly when it comes to love and successful relationship.

Love happens (not to be found) and does not follow any rules though, including sex which is a factor of strengthening the love feeling. And unfortunately the heartbreak happens for pure love. Therefore, you CAN NOT prevent it, just try the best to reduce it聽 by following respect for one aother.

TrangDoan Guest

0POSTS

13 years ago

#60

Heart broken? Goes with the territory of willingness to take a chance. Better to risk heartache than to not love at all. Women make mistakes too...."I never met a rose that didn't have a thorn or two." Ahhh...the agony and ecstasy of LOVE."

levis101 Member

15POSTS

13 years ago

#61

I think relationship should be based also on acceptance. If you truly love your partner, whatever he has, good in bed or not, good and bad attitude, it is a packaged deal. If you commit to somebody and agree to have a long lasting relationship, then you should be willing to accept him or her. Nobody knows what is heading on the future. You do not love a person because of the things you like and the things you want to get from him. Every individual has his own human faculties and frails. What's good for you maybe not good for him.. or vice versa... Arguments and quarrels are always within the corner of every wholesome relationship. I think, in my own opinion... if you accept for what he really is... all of his being...without any "if's" and "but's".. then you really love him truly... love covers everything... he maybe a very bad person for others... but in your eyes and in your heart.. he maybe the person who makes you inspired and happy..... and that is your relationship to keep and hold on for life.... not for others to comment and say what's best for you... you should know it from the heart...you, yourself will know it..because love will always come to unexpected places, unexpected time, and unexpected people.... you just have to accept it totally.. or deny it forever...

AQM22 Member

13POSTS

13 years ago

#62

Sorry, UkGuy, for someone stating that sex isn't that big a deal, you're putting too much emphasis on the area of sex. If a girl isn't experienced, she can always learn if she loves you enough. If you love her enough, that journey can be special because you'll be her first and only (if the relationship last). You're emphasizing more on "how is she going to please me when she's inexperience?" Sorry, but that's how I'm reading it.

You don't "find" someone to fall in love with. This is totally cliche, but "it just happens". It's true for me and probably most people.

It doesn't matter where you are from nor where she is from relationships are hard. However, if both party have enough love to pull through, the happy times so much outweighs the bad.

UKGuyInSaigon Active member

70POSTS

13 years ago

#63

I really, sincerely do appreciate each and every one of the comments being made on this topic, but I am seeing very few people who have been in long term, live together relationships, telling the rest of us the secrets to keeping such a situation happy and fulfilling both sexually and emotionally after many years. If it is even possible then surely there must be many couples out there who are very happy and sexually active after a long time together, so it would be really great of they could speak up. or maybe happiness after a long time together is very very rare and perhaps the vast majority of people, who do not get lucky, simply watch their love crash and burn after a few years - is this our likely destiny?

Kathy Duong Member

20POSTS

13 years ago

#64

i'm do want to asking like you too

I just broke up with my fiance , American man , just 1 month
And i don't ever want to come back

Special the different cultural

Special about my morther and his morther

So , i hope you can wake up
And come back happy soon

Everything can be happen in Love
Love is that , don' give up everything because broke up in love!

Not just the foregein man , my realtationship is example

Kathy

ancientpathos Serial expat

729POSTS

13 years ago

#65

My experience, met a wonderful lady on Christmas Eve.聽 Thought she would make a good wife.聽 Talked about what I wanted in a relationship, she agreed.聽 We talked about being together for a few months and if we were good together then to get married. A friend found me an apartment, I moved in, then to my surprise she moved in.聽 Within a week the plan had changed without my imput for a marriage party to satisfy viet culture for us living together within 2 weeks of us living together.聽 Everything was money needed for this and money needed for that... Felt like I had no control over my life and I was just Mr. ATM.聽 I went away in the end of January and decided to return in April to see if I was missing out on happiness. After a week back I decided it was time to call it quits.聽 I am still Mr. ATM to her and her family. Now as for sex, I am sure I enjoyed it but just can not remember it due to all the garbage I feel I have been through. Looking back, I wonder what would have happened if we did not have sex, because she moved in after we had sex and nothing was as I wanted it to be after that.聽 Words of advice, GO SLOW MY FRIENDS...

princess sandra Serial expat

270POSTS

13 years ago

#66

ancientpathos wrote:
My experience, met a wonderful lady on Christmas Eve.聽 Thought she would make a good wife.聽 Talked about what I wanted in a relationship, she agreed.聽 We talked about being together for a few months and if we were good together then to get married. A friend found me an apartment, I moved in, then to my surprise she moved in.聽 Within a week the plan had changed without my imput for a marriage party to satisfy viet culture for us living together within 2 weeks of us living together.聽 Everything was money needed for this and money needed for that... Felt like I had no control over my life and I was just Mr. ATM.聽 I went away in the end of January and decided to return in April to see if I was missing out on happiness. After a week back I decided it was time to call it quits.聽 I am still Mr. ATM to her and her family. Now as for sex, I am sure I enjoyed it but just can not remember it due to all the garbage I feel I have been through. Looking back, I wonder what would have happened if we did not have sex, because she moved in after we had sex and nothing was as I wanted it to be after that.聽 Words of advice, GO SLOW MY FRIENDS...

yep...agreed slowly currently i am in relationship with good american man LDR but keep in faith each other, No sex involved between us but we both have strong commitment each other.

regards.

nguyen.tien Member

20POSTS

13 years ago

#67

Hm... My opinion is let it happen. Read all advice then collect the good one. How do we have perfect advice? It depends on situation and character of you and your girl. God makes us all different. And as many people say: You often meet wrong one before you meet Ms. Right. And hope you will meet Ms. Right soon.

P.S: Not all is bad and not all is good.

khanh44 ViP

1191POSTS

13 years ago

#68

I must be the opposite. Took me just 8 days to be get to know her before I proposed marriage.

I had only 10 days to spend in Vietnam though. On 2nd day we started sleeping together everyday day until I left Vietnam.

We knew we were right for each other. Just open yourself up and be honest. They appreciate the thoughts more than the monetary value.

Vietnamese women appreciate men that takes the initiative and are confident yet gentlemanly. It's a sign of good security.

UKGuyInSaigon Active member

70POSTS

13 years ago

#69

WOW! 8 days to a proposal - how long ago was that and how is is working out?

khanh44 wrote:
I must be the opposite. Took me just 8 days to be get to know her before I proposed marriage.

I had only 10 days to spend in Vietnam though. On 2nd day we started sleeping together everyday day until I left Vietnam.

We knew we were right for each other. Just open yourself up and be honest. They appreciate the thoughts more than the monetary value.

Vietnamese women appreciate men that takes the initiative and are confident yet gentlemanly. It's a sign of good security.

khanh44 ViP

1191POSTS

13 years ago

#70

Last September and getting married this January. Yes must be the longest engagement for the quickest proposal lol.聽 Since I've left Vietnam we've been talking for hours everyday at every opportunity that we can. We both work crazy hours and factor in the 13 hour time zone difference it can be a bit challenging communicating with her. If we're not able to talk over the phone we send simple text messages letting each other know that we're thinking of the other.

I think our love for each other is growing stronger every day since that proposal.

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Budman1 ViP

1612POSTS

13 years ago

#71

Along those same lines:

khanh44 ViP

1191POSTS

13 years ago

#72

thanks for the link it was really helpful.

So just my spouse can submit the marriage application without me being there, eh? That's great news!

And from 30 days to 25 days wait time. Bonus! I booked off 4 weeks from work and was worried how I would sign the marriage papers if it arrived after 4 weeks.

UKGuyInSaigon Active member

70POSTS

13 years ago

#73

I wish you both ever lasting love and happiness, thanks for sharing

khanh44 wrote:
Last September and getting married this January. Yes must be the longest engagement for the quickest proposal lol.聽 Since I've left Vietnam we've been talking for hours everyday at every opportunity that we can. We both work crazy hours and factor in the 13 hour time zone difference it can be a bit challenging communicating with her. If we're not able to talk over the phone we send simple text messages letting each other know that we're thinking of the other.

I think our love for each other is growing stronger every day since that proposal.

2 members reacted to this post

cth Serial expat

201POSTS

13 years ago

#74

khanh44 wrote:
thanks for the link it was really helpful.

So just my spouse can submit the marriage application without me being there, eh? That's great news!

And from 30 days to 25 days wait time. Bonus! I booked off 4 weeks from work and was worried how I would sign the marriage papers if it arrived after 4 weeks.

If you guys know anyone in the office where you are submitting the application, it can be done within 7 days. Just take them out drinking, have a good time.
Was in a similar situation a few years back and ours was approved within a week.

UKGuyInSaigon Active member

70POSTS

13 years ago

#75

Excellent questions! I would say the first man is more realistic, because he feels a special something for someone but wants to ensure, from both sides, that it is real before committing - so is more believable. The second is under the influence of his male drive to procreate! In a few years things could go very wrong if they are not super lucky and super lucky only happens in very few cases.

memory8620 wrote:
If a man said to a woman: I like you very much, you are my special lady..I don't want to take it too fast to say I love you because it's sweet lie lips => Should a woman believe in him????
If a man said to a woman: I'm really love you, You are the one I want to go with to the rest of my life.. When I first saw you, my heart got melted and I want you become my wife..But he doesn't want to move to Viet Nam with her => Should a woman trust his words..

LastInTranslation Active member

60POSTS

13 years ago

#76

I agree with UKGuy. While "love at first sight" is possible, in my opinion it's only for those who have never been hurt by another and have not put up walls to protect themselves, AND they're lucky to have met that perfect someone right away.

For most of the rest of us, there will be an immediate attraction but it won't be "love" for some time.

But I'm a cynic, what do I know?

UKGuyInSaigon wrote:
Excellent questions! I would say the first man is more realistic, because he feels a special something for someone but wants to ensure, from both sides, that it is real before committing - so is more believable. The second is under the influence of his male drive to procreate! In a few years things could go very wrong if they are not super lucky and super lucky only happens in very few cases.

memory8620 wrote:
If a man said to a woman: I like you very much, you are my special lady..I don't want to take it too fast to say I love you because it's sweet lie lips => Should a woman believe in him????
If a man said to a woman: I'm really love you, You are the one I want to go with to the rest of my life.. When I first saw you, my heart got melted and I want you become my wife..But he doesn't want to move to Viet Nam with her => Should a woman trust his words..

1 member reacted to this post

eodmatt ViP

1418POSTS

11 years ago

#77

cth wrote:
khanh44 wrote:
thanks for the link it was really helpful.

So just my spouse can submit the marriage application without me being there, eh? That's great news!

And from 30 days to 25 days wait time. Bonus! I booked off 4 weeks from work and was worried how I would sign the marriage papers if it arrived after 4 weeks.

If you guys know anyone in the office where you are submitting the application, it can be done within 7 days. Just take them out drinking, have a good time.
Was in a similar situation a few years back and ours was approved within a week.

Yep, ours too. But the stinger is, having got approval you then have to get married within thirty days or start the whole process over.

emmy.vn Contributor

101POSTS

11 years ago

#78

Slowly yes, I absolutely agree with this statement.

Personally, I think most of foreigners when they come here, their aim is seeking girls for short term relationship. Its rarely for them to engage in a girl, just because they are kind of flexibility, always changing their venture to other countries.

And how it s being hurt when you put all of your hope and feeling into that person when you don't know how tomorrow will be.

I think the best way is to find out each other slowly, don't jump to each other really fast, just because it needs time for understand each other.

Anyway, I believe in destiny! ^^

1 member reacted to this post

thuyvungoc Member

11POSTS

8 years ago

#79

To my experience, it's the matter of trust, maturity, and most of all how serious you are in the relationship.

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dbrutter Active member

68POSTS

8 years ago

#80

Wow! What a subject. I am very happily married to a lovely Vietnamese lady. Of course, that doesn't mean everything is perfect - happily ever after only happens in fairy tales.

I guess the best I can think of to add is that, like women, not all forieners are created equil.聽聽

In love, as in life, we have to learn to love all of a persons "perfect imperfections!"

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