Are Vietnamese wives control freaks?????

0POSTS

11 years ago

Just curious if any of the men on this forum feel their wives are controlling? Do you begin to feel like you are in prison after a longer time with them? Do you feel that in order to get along with them you must give up other things in life you enjoy?
Don't mean to offend the Vietnamese ladies out there. It seems as these ladies are raised this way. In the West we would say they had a psychological problem that involves perfectionism come controlling.

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l3ully Banned

830POSTS

11 years ago

They would be, if they could

Vagabondone Guest

0POSTS

11 years ago

lol they are a control freaks......

but you should had noticed her.. at first.. while you were dating...how controlling she was..

also, you just have to let the law down... put it on the table..... dont let her control you that way

You not the only one...im sure LOL

GOod Luck

TEFL Can Tho Active member

68POSTS

11 years ago

I know about ten men married to or in relationships with Vietnamese women. Eight of them are giving huge monthly cash amounts to the women's families.聽 One had endless arguments over it and they broke up many times before he finally put his foot down and said no more; the other simply can't afford it and made it plain from the start.

One was eating through his savings without income for 2.5 years ... but the 30 mill (!!) a month to her family was not open to discussion, period.聽

Control?聽 Try extortion.

Coach Athan Contributor

149POSTS

11 years ago

IMHO, human are human & is subjective. Human beings are the most complicated living beings and there are many variations of combinations.

To your question, there are freaks everywhere.

There are people (man & women) wanting to live off another, there are people who is willing to share hardships and live off solely on LOVE.

There are people who is willing to be depended on entirely and there are people who think relationships should not be a burden.

Similar to many things in life, is like a key to a door, we just need the right key to the right door.

1 member reacted to this post

ralphnhatrang Serial expat

599POSTS

11 years ago

Yes, a lot of them are, are lot of them aren't. The ones who are may be influenced by fathers, grandfathers and greatgrandfathers all having several wives or mistresses, so feel safer if they don't let you out of their sight, which of course is a complete pain. Others are just control freaks all by themselves. My commisserations to you.

Vagabondone Guest

0POSTS

11 years ago

Athanasius Pang wrote:
IMHO, human are human & is subjective. Human beings are the most complicated living beings and there are many variations of combinations.

To your question, there are freaks everywhere.

There are people (man & women) wanting to live off another, there are people who is willing to share hardships and live off solely on LOVE.

There are people who is willing to be depended on entirely and there are people who think relationships should not be a burden.

Similar to many things in life, is like a key to a door, we just need the right key to the right door.

Ummm Thanks for your "Peter Pan" advice.聽 Are you even married to, or in a relationship with a Vietnamese woman ??

TEFL Can Tho Active member

68POSTS

11 years ago

Athanasius Pang wrote:
IMHO, human are human & is subjective. Human beings are the most complicated living beings and there are many variations of combinations.

To your question, there are freaks everywhere.

There are people (man & women) wanting to live off another, there are people who is willing to share hardships and live off solely on LOVE.

There are people who is willing to be depended on entirely and there are people who think relationships should not be a burden.

Similar to many things in life, is like a key to a door, we just need the right key to the right door.

Didn't we have enough of this stuff in the 70s?聽聽I sure did.

Coach Athan Contributor

149POSTS

11 years ago

er...... what's the definition of "Peter Pan advice"?

If you want to know if I am in a relationship so as to qualify my input, Yes, I am in a relationship with a fine Vietnamese lady.聽

No offence but I reckoned we should not address the topic "Are Vietnamese wives control freaks?????" as a whole or across the board. In a relationship IMO that matter most is "communication". Especially, as a foreigner trying to get along a Vietnamese.

American culture & Vietnam culture is of extreme paradigm. Culture, language, diet, living style, habits, education, POV, etc. are natural barriers which require much effort to ice-break.

Having said, I am not a love doctor.

Objectively, there are just too many variations like a number lock. An exact answer to the subject matter is impossible.

Coach Athan Contributor

149POSTS

11 years ago

#10

TEFL Can Tho wrote:
Athanasius Pang wrote:
IMHO, human are human & is subjective. Human beings are the most complicated living beings and there are many variations of combinations.

To your question, there are freaks everywhere.

There are people (man & women) wanting to live off another, there are people who is willing to share hardships and live off solely on LOVE.

There are people who is willing to be depended on entirely and there are people who think relationships should not be a burden.

Similar to many things in life, is like a key to a door, we just need the right key to the right door.

Didn't we have enough of this stuff in the 70s?聽聽I sure did.

hahhahahaha...... well....aren't we now living in the 70s? Is "back to the future" series I guess.聽

khanh44 ViP

1191POSTS

11 years ago

#11

I think I luck out from everyone's response so far. She may be a control freak by definition but there is no physical constraint imposed on me. Just the emotional guilt to bear should I go against her 'advice.'

She works 8 hours a day, 6 days a week. I have not worked a single second in over a year. She's pregnant, I'm not. Not a single dong given to any of her parents and siblings and they are all poor to the point her uncle and aunts look down upon them.

But frugality is what bonds us and humility has brought us 'hanh phuc.'

Vagabondone Guest

0POSTS

11 years ago

#12

Athanasius Pang wrote:
er...... what's the definition of "Peter Pan advice"?

Well, If we wish really really hard, then all our dreams will come true.
Are you selling Pixie dust ? Tell me!聽 Maybe I'll buy some

TEFL Can Tho Active member

68POSTS

11 years ago

#13

khanh44 wrote:
I think I luck out from everyone's response so far. She may be a control freak by definition but there is no physical constraint imposed on me. Just the emotional guilt to bear should I go against her 'advice.'

She works 8 hours a day, 6 days a week. I have not worked a single second in over a year. She's pregnant, I'm not. Not a single dong given to any of her parents and siblings and they are all poor to the point her uncle and aunts look down upon them.

But frugality is what bonds us and humility has brought us 'hanh phuc.'

... and more time to practice the guitar.聽 I'm working on the Berkeley Sonatina.聽 Always wanted to play that.

Vagabondone Guest

0POSTS

11 years ago

#14

All interesting replies. I hope you keep it up. Was hoping to get, what should I say, perhaps a more intellectual view.
Khanh44, you have only just begun. Her being PG hardly counts. To get it towards a more intellectual聽 bent I offer the following. It has occurred to me that the control issue maybe more of a cultural issue.
In the West a man is taught from birth it his duty to protect the family, to protect the family name, to chart the course of his family, to insure financial independence etc.
Whereas in the East, Vietnam in this case, the women are groomed from childhood to assume the lead in the family. In the West we see men that take this to the extreme and and if a counselor se them they are diagnosis as CONTROLLERS. Then you look at the Vietnamese and it seems the exact opposite. Indeed, there are psychological profile tests one can take and Vietnamese women return a result as a perfectionist controller. Controlling being an outgrowth of perfectionism.
Well theres a starter and thoughts on that. Khanh44 you can reort back after, say a year. Of course, I suppose if your wife is the one bringing home the bacon you probably see the bride less than some. But your still a great guy and I enjoy your inputs.

khanh44 ViP

1191POSTS

11 years ago

#15

I get that assumption a lot. Just because I'm not lifting a finger doesn't mean I'm not earning income.

I'm just merely retorting to those that say Vietnamese wives are extortionist. I used my wife as an example because she 'chose' to work

Hopefully I made my point not all Vietnamese women marry foreigners to support their parents and themselves.

"There are people (man & women) wanting to live off another, there are people who is willing to share hardships and live off solely on LOVE."

-Frank Malt

Vagabondone Guest

0POSTS

11 years ago

#16

I am sorry Khanh44 did not understand your reply in that way. I do hope we can get input on the subject matter "control".
Personally I have no problem with the monthly money issue. As VungTauDon explained very well sometime back this idea on money to parent sis based on Confucianism. Try and get the bride engaged in a "honey we need to think how we should fund our retirement. Subject for another thread.

khanh44 ViP

1191POSTS

11 years ago

#17

man I wanted to go drink some tea and karaoke with her siblings. Wife is sleeping right now and says I can't go. I reply you can't force me. She says I know.

Early in the marriage I would feel this is control. But since we've lived together for more than a year I find it mutual respect or open conversation. Vietnamese local men don't have this problem or at least they'll brush of the nagging and still do what they want to do. Foreigners are afraid of feelings being hurt.

How long have you been married to her? If you feel imprisoned make it known to her. It's not healthy in the long term if you have this feeling of being trapped or not doing what you want to do. If she can't accept it than she will have to accept it. Don't worry they cry but eventually they'll realize you're right.

Vagabondone Guest

0POSTS

11 years ago

#18

khanh44 wrote:
man I wanted to go drink some tea and karaoke with her siblings. Wife is sleeping right now and says I can't go. I reply you can't force me. She says I know.

Early in the marriage I would feel this is control. But since we've lived together for more than a year I find it mutual respect or open conversation. Vietnamese local men don't have this problem or at least they'll brush of the nagging and still do what they want to do. Foreigners are afraid of feelings being hurt.

How long have you been married to her? If you feel imprisoned make it known to her. It's not healthy in the long term if you have this feeling of being trapped or not doing what you want to do. If she can't accept it than she will have to accept it. Don't worry they cry but eventually they'll realize you're right.

Another great response, but I was hoping we could address the question "are they controlling". If you took your sited example and applied it to the West would the response be the same for a male Western man, who is often diagnosed as a controller?

khanh44 ViP

1191POSTS

11 years ago

#19

I can only reply for Canada and specifically Calgary and Toronto, the 2 cities I've lived and worked in.

Most couples I've known in the West not a single Western man was the controller. If there was a control meter I'd say it leaned slightly in favour of the women in the relationship. Otherwise it was mostly balance from work career to duties in the house.

Here in Vietnam I see duties and responsibilities are more clear cut. Women cleans house and prepares the food. Even at social gatherings men sit at table chatting and drinking while women cook and sit waiting for men to finish drinking to clean the dishes.

With responsibilities comes feelings of control.

Perception is in the eye of the holder so "are they controlling"? I think I replied already in my eyes no I think what others perceive as control I perceive as open conversation. If she doesn't like me doing something she will make it known and I respect that. Hence mutual respect.

What I feel would be controlling is if they physically restraint me from doing what I want to do. Or threatening me with slaps if I don't do what she says. But she's just merely voicing her opposition and I acknowledge it and respect it. Again perception.

1 member reacted to this post

eodmatt ViP

1418POSTS

11 years ago

#20

Well,...... I have known my wife (we got married last year) since 2008.Yes she is controlling and she expects to control our finances - but then she has an MBA in business development and has a Masters in Company Management. No I don't keep her family in money - her sister is independently wealthy and her parents are independent (father was a very senior officer in the NVA), uncle is, well lets just say you don't get much higher in his government job.

So, yes definitely controlling "no need go out to bar; stay at home drink beer; take bus not taxi; not drink cheap Vietnamese wine (vodka); that person not educated no need speak him other than for polite; who you talking to on internet" ...... and so on.

But at the same time, I have never been so well looked after in my life, new tailor made jeans, t shirts posh belts and wallets, bottles of wine - she never stops thinking about me.

And the family...... We've had a niece staying with us for several months now. She's studying at university here in HCMC. Her mum and dad came here for the wedding and there was a fairly intense discussion about why I would not accept payment for their daughters stay with us. So the reasons I gave were: 1. She is a real pleasure to have living with us. 2. No need to ask her to do chores, she sees something that needs doing and does it, 3. She has become like a daughter to us, 4. She is a very good cook, both Vn and western, 5. We have a spare bedroom that was doing nothing but gathering dust, 6. We now get a decent reduction in our water bill because she is living with us, 7. She often takes my side in the odd argument I have with my wife, Heh Heh Heh!

The family supplies us with coffee by the ton - (they are coffee farmers), and chickens, ginger root by the ton, green tea (they grow tea), herbs and spices, pork, fruit - last year they sent us 50 kg of avocados. And so on.

And to balance it out, I go abroad for work several times a year and so get a break from family life.

But the year before last I worked in Thailand for a while and she came with me. I had to start work at 5AM. She got up at 4 AM to cook breakfast and make coffee for me. Same in Hong Kong, she didn't cook for me there but she had the hotel staff eating out of her hand and my breakfast was never late.

She would come to the MTR station to meet me in the evenings - I was knackered after a 12 hour shift doing electromagnetic ground profiling and she would try to carry my back pack for me. Back at the hotel, everything was laid out for my shower and shave and the restaurant was booked.

I was married twice in UK and never had an experience like this. We have been together for 7 years and yes, there are elements of control, but the benefits far outweigh them.

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Vagabondone Guest

0POSTS

11 years ago

#21

Vietnamese women/wives are no more controlling than women from elsewhere. There is no difference.

The differences are in the nature of a relationship, any relationship. I personally prefer a relationship that is of equal partners, and open to discussion, but showing respect for cultural differences. And unity where children are involved - the same decision from both parents.

Still, if a heterosexual partnership is not for you, since 2015 January 01 VN law now provides for lawful marriages between gay and lesbian partners - a first for any country in this region of the world.

1 member reacted to this post

eodmatt ViP

1418POSTS

11 years ago

#22

I'd be interested to see a marriage between a gay and a lesbian.

kenjee ViP

19610POSTS

11 years ago

#23

Hello all

Since 大咖福利影院 is not a dating site, and we expect more contents related to Expatriation I don't see the help this thread can bring in the expatriation process we wish to support.

Closing this thread down

Kenjee
大咖福利影院 Team
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