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Dating, getting engaged and marrying a Dominican Girl

J
#1
Good afternoon,

I am new to the expat community/forums and I wanted to create an updated forum/article related to dating in the dominican republic, as well as getting engaged and marrying a dominican.

My dominican friend introduced me to one of their female friends. He mentioned they grew up together in Bani, DR. This is about 1 hour away from the capital, santo domingo.

background info: she recently turned 31 and I am 27, will turn 28 in January.

I started talking to her since august-september of 2020. I first visited her on july of 2021. I will be returning this month, november and will get to meet her family.

I noticed that she is really charming and always calls and wants to talk to me on a daily basis, even if it is just to see what am I doing. She uploaded pictures of us on her facebook and her whole family saw the pictures and she asked me I do the same for her. Since I had nothing to hide, I also uploaded pictures and made the "relationship" official. She even wanted me to commit to her on the first day and she wanted me to propose and get a ring.

She has never asked for things, but she does hint from time to time that her phone isn't working, or that she has to take care of some bills, etc, but she has not requested money from me.

For some reason, one of her dreams is to get married, have a family, have 2 kids, and buy a house in the dominican republic. based on her feedback it doesn't seem like she wants a future in the USA. Yet, she wants to get married, which makes things confusing.

I was wondering if this was normal for dominicans? they seem to move really fast, want commitment. Did I forget to mention that I did purchase a TV for her, along with a bedroom set? I felt bad for her living conditions and thought about doing something good without expecting anything in exchange.

I read a lot of posts and it looks like a lot of people got into some real trouble out there! don't want to end up in the same boat.

What would be great red flags to NOT ignore?
See also
RockyM
#2

Jay012394 wrote:

For some reason, one of her dreams is to get married, have a family, have 2 kids, and buy a house in the dominican republic. based on her feedback it doesn't seem like she wants a future in the USA. Yet, she wants to get married, which makes things confusing.


I think your paragraph above is telling. She wants a lifestyle, and probably at a level many Dominicans cannot afford, and you are just the ticket to get her there. It is not about you, it is about her and what she wants. And that goes for her family as well. Her and her family are a packaged deal. You get both to help support. That's part of a culture you may not understand.
I know this is harsh but she can plug any N. American guy with some cash into this equation for the same result. Are you ok with that? It sounds like your desire is to be a "rescuer". I think you need to be honest with yourself, obtain more level headed advice, and think real hard about the whole situation. Don't let your emotions be your sole guide here.
Good luck to you.

2 members reacted to this post
G
#3
I am guessing you are conversing in English?

That would be a red flag for me.

Very few Dominican women are sufficiently fluent in English other than typically from good families or who have 'worked' the resorts or have been employed at hotels.

It is far too soon to talk of formal marriage. The DR attitude provincially is to cohabit as esposas. The apparent rush is disturbing imo. Once you do so you commit half your welath to her. You can also do the same by being concubines and posting pictures on Facebook add testimony to that scenaio. Be careful.

I may be wrong -聽 but for me there are far too many red flags in her behaviour imo, but perhaps to be expected after your extreme generosity with gifts after so little time together.聽 Other chicas would have rooked you blind by now but maybe this one wants a big payday.

It is surprising at her age for a provincial girl to be childless. Something to investigate imo.

Either quit now imo or join the long list of guys who got burnt.
2 members reacted to this post
J
#4
thanks for the replies, I find it weird that she has no kids as well. As far as language, I speak both English and Spanish hehe. I happen to be a naturalized US Citizen. I had dominican friends in highschool and I do understand their language (fluently), especially their slang haha. I know the word tigere and cuero, and guapo, etc.
Since a friend of mine introduced us I figured she would be more thrustworthy. I did find it really interesting for her to tell me right away that she wants to get out of the island and find a job, start working and help her family. Then again, she mentioned she would buy a house in the DR with the money she would earn if she were to leave the island and find a job, etc. to me that seemed really straightforward and she was not afraid to express her desires. Her mind is in the DR, and by the looks it seems like she would travel abroad just to help support her family IMO.
I am very surprised that she does expect the husband to take care of her AND the family. So far she hasn't demanded anything, and all I have provided was out of pure generosity, there was no tantrums, mood changes, etc.
What has me curious is that she does wants things relatively fast, as if marrying someone is a game hehe.
G
#5
That takes the language red flag away. Yep spoken Dominican Spanish is hard to understand.

A lot of the women from the provinces look for work abroad. And many have worked abroad in the Caribbean islands. Many of the girls in the Turks and Caicos Islands came from the San Cristobel area years ago. They both work and 'work' and send remittances home. Same is found throughout the Leeward Islands in places like St Marteen.

For sure you would be marrying into an extended family. But this is all too quick. Way too quick.

Dominicans do things quick when money is at stake.

The matriarch will be behind all of this. They get siblings to do what the family needs.
ddmcghee
#6
Wow - Dominican or not, that's rushing things! You are young - getting married should be something you do on your terms, on your timeline, because it's something you want!

And in today's US immigration environment, marriage alone doesn't guarantee a green card! I've heard of people waiting years to get their Dominican spouses into the US. Unless you want to move to the DR to live with her, you could end up in a long-distance relationship for years and years.
2 members reacted to this post
planner
#7
Here is a female perspective - I have been here 18 years.

She is typical.聽 No surprises here. She is most likely looking to better her life and her family's life.聽 Normal.

Moving this fast - really normal.聽 聽 You have to understand that she and her family are in survival mode.聽 They emotionally come from a different place.聽 As north Americans we look to be "in love" in order to move forward.聽 That doesn't come into play here for the most part. There are exceptions of course.聽 And I am not talking about people in higher economic groups.聽 People who just survive don't have the luxury of the emotional choices we have.

Buying her a tv and bedroom set - you set the bar and now there are expectations!聽 She doesn't have to come out and ask for things.聽 This Christmas you will be expected to step up!

She is clearly signalling what she wants for the future.聽 If that works for you, great!聽 If not then create your boundaries or remove yourself.
2 members reacted to this post
sberger50
#8
Planner just gave you some wonderful advise.聽 In those words were also some warnings about a very different mindset that you do not understand.聽 This is not what you are use too and very different than US culture.聽 Get ready for an entire lifetime of a life that you will never understand.聽 Stand up for yourself.聽 Are you that hard up that you have to jump into a quick life commitment?
3 members reacted to this post
J
#9
From a local perspective I would definitely have to say just be careful once you take her over the stay just pay close attention how she feels when you guys talk about money and future plans that could be so determing
1 member reacted to this post
angelx
#10
I have solution. Do what you want and don鈥檛 care鈥攂e stoic.
Oscarsahony Sanchez
#11
and don't do what my cousin does, don' t over spend on them! i got lucky as i.met my wife at a hotel where she worked. blessed i should say.
Oscarsahony Sanchez
#12
I believe most of us are matured enough to know the signs lol . at least i have a few rodeos lol
planner
#13
Sadly this is new territory for many.聽 Its actually pretty common.聽 For most expats this is beyond their experiences!
Oscarsahony Sanchez
#14
yes, the daring a foreign girl but after all all men amd women are humans and have similar tendencies regardless of race. just be wise not unless one is new totally to dating in general lol
just joking around amigos
ohh the offer to help with spanish once I moved Jan 7th stands for anyone interested. mojitos as pay lol jk
J
#15
Very nice replies from all, thank you so much for the feedback! if someone cares to read I have some updates:

As the date for my flight approaches (Nov 25th), I received a few requests from her: some cheap sandals for the shower and a bathing suit, that is all.

I will be renting a car from the airport so I can drive to the country side of the island and meet some family members and share a sancocho, talk, walk, etc.

something she did mention is that eventually she would like to get her own place so I could go back to the island and arrive there. I wouldn't have to pay for a hotel or a resort. I would only arrive to the rented apartment, and she would care for me and what not. This is assuming the relationship solidifies and gets serious, in the interim, while she waits for her K1 VISA.

I kind of told her it doesn't make financial sense to make that move, and that she is fine where she is. She lives with her parents, and I still don't understand why she wants out. there is nothing wrong living with parents. I do have to agree that she shares a bed with her sister, which may be the reason why she wants some privacy.. Regardless I think if she is on "survival" mode, commodity is the last thing she would think of.
planner
#16
She wants her own place that YOU pay for. That is the point.聽 Then she can do what she wants when you are not around!
2 members reacted to this post
P
#17
Not much anyone can really tell someone in that situation. They have to live through the mistakes in order to learn. I know when I first moved there people warned me and I might get whatever and like I said when you learn by mistakes you know next time not to make them. And yeah she wants you to just give her an apartment for herself and trust me along with that comes the furniture and probably the appliances and utilities. It's sad but unless you walk a mile in their shoes you have no clue and I know a friend that did that for his girlfriend and he went there I think it was 2 months later and she had her brother or cousins everyone was living in the apartment the gentleman was paying for. And trust me it took him a good six months to get them finally out after turning off the utilities and blocking the gate they finally moved the poor gentleman had to pay for all the damages but he was happy when they finally left I would just tell her if you want to take things slow. Did you understand where she's coming from but you just want to take it slow so there's no rushing and there's no miscommunications between You two. If she really loves you she'll understand and takes things slow if she keeps pushing the point about having her own place and you know she's only in it for one thing love has no time limit.
1 member reacted to this post
J
#18
From a local perspective I've already seen all of this cases聽 with Americans Canadians and others foreigners . And it all boils down to this . She wants to get her own place because she want to be more free no body has to tell her what she should and shouldn't do . Just be cautious some girls here want to get their own place so they can do bad things to when their man is not around . But good luck
1 member reacted to this post
sberger50
#19
Sandals and a swim suit . . . and an apartment?聽 O'yeah, that is not much, just about $12K to $20K and a lot of headaches.聽 Are you that hard up for a woman?聽 The thread above may give you a preview of what you are getting into.聽 RUN, RUN FAST!
J
#20
well the apartment is more like a rental.. considering rentals go as cheap as $100 dollars a month, it would be around $1200 a year (plus food, gas, electric, internet, netflix, yeap price adds up)

I would like to think its all just wishes, and sometimes wishes stay as wishes.. hell, I wish I was dating Jeniffer Lopez... not happening for me though and I am still fine haha.

Best advice I was given is to take it slow.. I told many people I wish I was a pilot, but I only share those dreams to the ones who are close to me and in no way, shape or form I "demand" them to pay for my flying lessons....

if she stays, apartmentless, then i'd say she is a keeper...
J
#21
That sounds about right.. I live alone and it was fun at the beginning but it got old after a month.. I hate arriving to a quiet, dark and empty apartment...
J
#22

planner wrote:

She wants her own place that YOU pay for. That is the point.聽 Then she can do what she wants when you are not around!


That sounds right, plus she wants utilities covered, such as gas, electric, as well as other amenities such as food, netflix, laundry supplies, etc.

However, these thoughts were presented as wishes, not demands or "requests". I plan on setting boundaries and take it from there and see where it goes. at this point I am trying to evaluate the person AS IS, keeping intimacy out of the equation...

I need a life-long partner, and I think enough was said with that statement..

WillieWeb
#23
There are always costs associated w/ a girlfriend....
only question is your level of tolerance.

Dinners/meals, cabanas, gifts....
She has a point about no more hotels....

How about settling on a monthly allowance ?
J
#24

WillieWeb wrote:

There are always costs associated w/ a girlfriend....
only question is your level of tolerance.

Dinners/meals, cabanas, gifts....
She has a point about no more hotels....

How about settling on a monthly allowance ?


That's what I will present and propose once I see her in person. basic stuff should be covered i.e. food. I think I can cover just enough so I help her family offset the costs of having her live and share a room with her sister. I won't cover for stuff that isn't really a necessity, such as her own bedroom, nails, hair, gifts (unless its her birthday?)...

That reminds me, I used to have a friend who found a man 10 years older just so he could take care of her.. and yep, she moved away from her mother's house in a heartbeat. And yes, she was Dominican, ha! and Yes, she lived in the US and was americanized...

planner
#25
Let's clear up some misconceptions too.

There are no 100 dollar apartments anymore.聽 If you find one it's in the worst part of the barrio.聽

So more like 250 to 300.聽 And it will be unfurnished.聽 Fridge stove back up electric system, tv internet washing machine sofa bedroom set etc etc. It's gonna add up fast!聽

And they rarely demand honey.聽 They suggest.聽 And then you get the passive aggressive comments starting.....聽 Demands are much much later and are often ultimatums.
J
#26

planner wrote:

Let's clear up some misconceptions too.

There are no 100 dollar apartments anymore.聽 If you find one it's in the worst part of the barrio.聽

So more like 250 to 300.聽 And it will be unfurnished.聽 Fridge stove back up electric system, tv internet washing machine sofa bedroom set etc etc. It's gonna add up fast!聽

And they rarely demand honey.聽 They suggest.聽 And then you get the passive aggressive comments starting.....聽 Demands are much much later and are often ultimatums.


Ahh, rarely demand, that explains a lot... I must walk carefully then, like if I was on thin ice.. At this point I can only propose what I am comfortable with, and take it from there. If the lady likes it then good, if not at least I tried.. a gift or 2 at this stage won't make me poor and it won't make her rich..

planner
#27
Gifts are from the heart, not because they are needed or wanted.聽 聽

Give em because you choose to.聽 They are the very best.聽 I do that for friends here, associates, employees and just because I can.
1 member reacted to this post
legs208
#28
I would suggest everything be put in her name. It would be easier for you to walk away if things don't workout.
J
#29

legs208 wrote:

I would suggest everything be put in her name. It would be easier for you to walk away if things don't workout.


Thank you for the suggestion. Nothing will be put on her name because I wont be renting an apartment for her.

I will only purchase gifts and present them to her.. i got some for her sister as well. Christmas is around the corner.. i hope they enjoy small but thoughtful gifts from the states.

If they happy, so am I, no strings attached, no expectations..

1 member reacted to this post
DRVisitor
#30
I was going to say where are the $100 apartments - I do not think I have ever seen those.
DRVisitor
#31
The most important thing to remember is know your limits on what you want to do/give because you will be tested.
1 member reacted to this post
planner
#32
Sounds like you have a good plan!聽 聽 Let us know how things progress!聽

Drvisitor - soooooo true!聽 Every time you say no it's like a personal challenge.聽 聽:D
WillieWeb
#33
Whether you like it or not.
Whether she likes you or not.

Remember, the $$ are part of the equation....whether you like it or not
1 member reacted to this post
G
#34
5000 pesos will get you an unfurnished room and 8000 pesos two unfurnished rooms in a poorer barrio in Santo Domingo. Thats good enough for most less well off single working Dominican chicas but my guess the OPs chica has much grander ideas.

I was just thinking that it is unusual to hear of a 31 year old chica apparently without children living with parents and sharing a bed with her sister. Something strikes me as odd there. Being that I have lived in typical Dominican communtities in the campo I have to say I have never seen or heard of that.

One expects a 31 year old to be long gone the nest living independently, working, with esposa/novio or children and supporting the family.

Maybe there is a plan for better rewards?

Anyhow, the dye is cast and the OP is diving in deep tomorrow and at the thin edge of a wedge.

So best of luck.
planner
#35
Those prices are聽 a ROOM聽 not an apartment so prices are not what they used to be at all.聽

Yes there is something聽 not adding up聽 on the whole story.聽 Lets hope for the best and see what comes of all this.
emetz55
#36
I speak from experience. I have been going to the DR since 2013聽 four or five times a year. Have dated many women and married one for two years. When you get one you get them all. Family and god is everything to most Dominicans. A foreigner with some extra money is probably next. Most don't ask for money they just hint. My advice is DON'T GIVE A DIME except for holidays and birthdays and then don't give big. My rule is $100 and never give anything until you meet in person. My girlfriend lives in Bani and lives with her mother in a small house and the rent is 4000 pesos a month. They have never asked for a dime. At some point I am sure I will help them but not until a spend a month or two with them. If you want to be a philanthropist that's great聽 but if you are looking for love don't try to buy it.聽 My ex Dominican mother-in-law told me the worst thing that I did was give her money.
1 member reacted to this post
planner
#37
Some excellent advice!聽 Thanks.
E
#38
What if a girl tattoos your name on her body, TWICE, in viewable locations!...Does the same advice still resonate ?
E
#39
With all due respect, due to being new on the forum BUT...Some of the 'advice' given on this forum sounds like it comes from 20 year-olds...Anybody with half-a-brain KNOWS that many, if not most Dominican girls are looking for a better life, just like poor girls in Canada, U.S., Britain, Germany and on and on... TWO words...PRENUPTUAL AGREEMENT
1 member reacted to this post
planner
#40
Prenup is always recommended if you are getting married!聽

If you intend to live together get a cohabitation agreement too!

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