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"What am I supposed to do?" a young man asked his friend.
"Every woman I bring home to meet my parents my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who's just like your mother."
"I already tried that," the young man moaned. "My father didn't like her!"

A young man came to interview a bank president.
"Tell me, Sir, how did you become so successful?"
"Two words."
"And what are they, Sir?"
"Right decisions."
"How do you make right decisions?"
"One word...experience."
"And how do you get experience?"
"Two words."
"And what are they?"
"Wrong decisions!"

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinaman and walks over and punches him in the face.
"Hey!" the Chinaman man hollers. "What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.
"But I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" The Jewish man sits back down.
Pretty soon the Chinaman man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.
"Hey!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic," the Chinaman man says.
"But that was an iceberg!"
"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

There are three basic rules for having good teeth:
1.Brush them twice a day.
2.See your dentist twice a year.
3.Keep you nose out of other people's business.

A rich uncle died, and a line in his will read as follows:
"I leave to my beloved nephew all the money he owes me."

A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother -
Dear Grandmother, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week.
It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.

Q: Why do women have their orifices so close together?
A: So you can carry them like a six pack.

A young woman goes to the doctors.

"Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me", she shouts.

"What's the matter?, replies the doctor.

"It's my breasts, doctor. I think one of them is bigger than the other."

"OK, take of your blouse and bra, I'm going to have to weigh them..."

"Way Hey Hey....", says the doctor as he lifts her breasts with both hands.

A young woman goes to the doctors.

"Doctor, I thpeak with a lithp. Can you help me?

"Let's do some breathing excercises", replies the doctor. "OK, big breaths".

"Yeth", replied the girl. "And I'm only thixthteen!"

A boy ran into the general store very excited and exclaimed, "A bull is chasing my Dad!"
"Dear me!There must be something I can do to help," said the storekeeper.
"There is," said the boy."Put film in my camera!"

Here's to our husbands and lovers
May they never meet!

A man goes to the doctors.

"Help me doctor, I think I've got a peanut stuck up my arse."

"Well eat this bar of chocolate. It'll come out a treet", replies the doctor.

Ken:There's nothing like getting up at five in the morning and  taking an ice-cold shower and a five-mile jog before breakfast.
Bob:How long have you been doing this?
Ken:I start tomorrow.

The couple had been married for thirty years. On their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.
The husband was lying on the bed when the wife came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had done thirty years before. Standing seductively before him, she asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking thirty years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?"
He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry!"
"And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily.
"I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"

Don't judge your wife too harshly for her weaknesses.If she didn't have them, chances are she would never have married you.

Husband:Now look, Lucy.I don't want to seem harsh, but your mother has been living with us for 20 years now. Don't you think it's about time she got a place of her own?
Wife:MY mother?I thought she was YOUR mother!

The baby, a girl, was born two days later than expected.
Holding her, her father said, "Two minutes old and she's already kept a man waiting!"

This woman runs into a police station.

"Help! Help! I've just been graped", she yells.

""Surely madam you mean raped", replies the policeman.

"No, there was a whole bunch of them"

A blind man walks past a fishmonger on his way to the park.

"Evening ladies", he says with a smile on his face.

What's the difference between those two nuns?

One has hope in her soul.

Jokes are funny and not normally taken too seriously, but a couple have gone a little too far.

A man comes home from work to find his wife and his best friend in bed together doing the nasty.The man is absolutely furious.He yells at his wife, "I can't believe you would do something like this!I never want to see you again!Get your things and get out of here!"
So his wife grabs her things and leaves.
The man turns to his best friend and says, "Bad dog!Bad dog!"

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

It's the final match of the State High School Wrestling Championships. In the locker room, the coach tells his top wrestler, "Tom, you're up next, and I'm afraid they've matched you against Jones from Hamiton High. He spent last summer in Asia learning something called the Pretzel Hold. The other coaches tell me there is no way out of it, and it is the most painful hold in the sport. So, whatever you do, don't let Jones get you in the Pretzel Hold."
Five minutes into the match, Jones has Tom in the pretzel hold. Tom starts hollering and screaming in agony. The coach buries his face in his hand, realizing that his dream of a State Championship is down the tubes.
Suddenly, there is a loud din of cheers from the crowd. As the coach looks up, not only is Tom out of the pretzel hold, but the referee announces that Tom has won.
In the locker room afterwards, the coach asks Tom, "How did you get out of the pretzel hold? Nobody has ever escaped it!"
"Well, coach," Tom says, "I was twisted into a pretzel. Every bone was on the verge of snapping. I could hear cracking sounds throughout my whole body, and the pain was almost more than I could take. I opened my eyes, and through my tears, all I could see was this big crotch in front of me. So I bit into it as hard as I could. Coach, you got no idea the strength you suddenly get when you bite your own balls!"

Q: What's the difference between a Harley motorcyle and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
A: The position of the dirt bag.


Q. How do you make love doggie style?
A. The guy stands up and begs, and the woman rolls over and plays dead.

A guy was a real fanatic on golf, his only topic of conversation. His wife bore it with increasing impatience, being slowly driven nuts by the constant yakking about birdies, eagles, pars, sandtraps, his thousand different golf clubs. And his favorite caddie, who he bragged was the best in the business and really improved his scores.
Finally, at dinner one day, the wife's patience snapped. "Listen," she said, "I'm sick and tired of golf, golf, golf, day in and day out. For once, I don't want any discussion of golf at this meal!"
The guy said plaintively, "So what do I talk about then?"
"About anything!" she said angrily. "Talk about sex, for goodness' sake. There's been little enough of that lately!"
"Okay," said Joe sullenly. He fell silent for a moment, then brightened up and said, "Say, I wonder who my caddie is fucking these days?"

This woman with three eyes, no arms and one leg was walking down the road trying to hitch a lift.

A man pulls over and says, "Aye Aye Aye, you look 'armless, hop in!"

Q: Why do elephants heave big ears?
A: Coz Noddy won't pay the ransom.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste

My mother in law broke up my marriage.  My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her

Insurance is like marriage.  You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman

Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest

Never go to bed angry.  Stay up and fight

Husbands are like fires.  They go out if unattended

A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that, he is finished

I'm an excellent housekeeper.  Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her

I don't worry about terrorism.  I was married for two years

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife     you can do some mathematics.

"Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?" "No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'."

"If you aren't a socialist by the time you're 17, you have no heart. If you are still one at 30, you have no head."