Wife sending all her money home not contributing expenses

11POSTS

7 years ago

Hello my name is Jon. I live in Vancouver BC Canada. I recently married a filipina and we are working towards sponsorship for her here to get her pr. Before we got married we both agreed we would share expenses and costs for pr applications and consultant fees etc. Since we have been married she hasn't contributed to pretty much nothing. She is always hassling me about what I have to pay. She has also become cold and distant. Finally I confronted her about it and said we need to talk and this is how I feel, unwanted, lonely and stressed out. Seems all she wants is her sponsorship and pr and she is not contributing only sending money to her son in school. This is not fair I feel. Well communication doesn't seem to be an option as she says I'm just over reacting and sensitive. So this of course makes me more frustrated. I firmly assert myself and tell her this is not going to be a one way street, she needs to step up and take responsibility as well. After that she just ignores me like I don't exist and says I'm a bad man. Finally we got into a big argument and she ended up leaving. I came home from work and she's gone. 4 days later she surfaces saying she wants her things. I cannot believe this behavior! Talk to me I'm your husband and we are not 16 years old. I try to explain all I do and pay but this only makes her hate me more. Now it's been a week and she is staying with her friend. What I find out after digging is that she is sending all her money back home to the Philippines. She has a list of everyone from father and mother to son brother and ex husband's lover and kids that are not even her own. A list of how much she is sending to each. Lists are for every month for the last year she has been here.

I keep hearing yeah it's normal now that she is married to a foriegner and she's earning in a foriegn country this is the expectation. I can understand parents and son but not half the town and especially ex husbands baby momma. I don't get it. She has hidden this from me and told me her only expenses are her son in college. Although I can see now that the reason she is not contributing is because she's sending all her money home every month like $1300.

I don't know what to do. This may be a Filipino culture thing but in my descended country and in Canada we don't do this shit. Especially hidding these kind of details from your husband.

I feel lied to and disrespected. I feel she is not following with her responsibility to this marriage and that if I sponsor her this will only continue or worse.

Please help. I'd love to hear your opinions and feedback!

1 member reacted to this post

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mugtech ViP

4731POSTS

7 years ago

Do not sponsor her, it will only get worse.聽 You need a divorce asap and forget about her and her entire family.聽 Do not give her anything else, do not allow her back into your house.

14 members reacted to this post

pej1111 Serial expat

562POSTS

7 years ago

Not sure what you want?

If you want to be with here for ever and ever (nothing wrong with that) then get to a marriage councilor.

If you want her out of your life because you have had enough of her then get to lawyer.

You will never get your money back so forget that and either way move on.聽

I don't mean to sound blunt but these are the only two options you have.

8 members reacted to this post

Fred Indonesia Expert

30549POSTS

7 years ago

Divorce could be costly

2 members reacted to this post

pnwcyclist Philippines Expert

1489POSTS

7 years ago

It's not a Filipino cultural thing. Sending a small amount back to the parents who raised her is fine, but that should be agreed upon beforehand and not hidden. Supporting children is also fine (I do it), but again, all these things should be discussed, and her primary relationship is with you so that's where her her focus should be. I see a bunch of red flags.

11 members reacted to this post

Jonny2840 Member

11POSTS

7 years ago

My thoughts exactly! Thank you

1 member reacted to this post

GuestPoster634 Guest

0POSTS

7 years ago

you need to divorce her and send her packing back home. this is only gonna get worse and once she has what she wants she is gonna leave you and take as much as she can from you.

3 members reacted to this post

Heady Member

23POSTS

7 years ago

Hi Jonny.
Let me share my experience of having been with my filipina soulmate for 5 years now:

1) When you marry a filipina, you shall consider that family - at least the close family circle (in my case: her dad, her mum, her son and her jobless brother) are part of the package. I consider it as normal to support my step-son and in-laws, so I have been happily supporting them.

2) At the beginning of our relation, financial support to her family was discussed and we agreed on how much we could afford sending back home - around 40,000 pesos monthly. Certain months, she would ask if we could send more, but it has been on rare occasions and it was always for good reasons (she would always be keen to give me聽 evidence how money was spent, although I would never ask for it).聽聽

3) My wife has always demonstrated interest and pride in earning money on her own. 2 years ago, she found a job as a hotel receptionist and frankly she is doing great. Half of our monthly contribution to her family is now coming from her own income, and she takes great pride in this.聽聽

4) There have been several attempts from the distant family circle - uncles, aunties, cousins 1st degree, 2nd degree, 3rd, 4th etc. - to solicit money because I am a foreigner, but my wife has been doing a great job keeping them away. We have established a simple rule: we would help relatives and friends that have helped her in the past when she was in need.

5) In 2016, I faced a professional setback and we had to drastically reduce our contribution to her family for 3 to 4 months. Not only she did not change her attitude, but she has been the best support I could dream of during that period of uncertainty.聽

6) I would lie if I say that everything is perfect, but all in all, this is a satisfying relationship from both sides. If I had to complain about something: I tried to change our monthly contribution into some kind of income-generating investment but somehow we failed. It has been a minor source of frustration.

7) I know that each relationship is unique and I am not in-between you and your wife, but from what you wrote, I would indeed question her true motives and I would file for聽 divorce without hesitation.

7 members reacted to this post

Jonny2840 Member

11POSTS

7 years ago

I really wish she would have just told me her situation or at least told me the whole story. Whatever the circumstances we could have worked together on it. I love her so much! I'm so hurt and confused.

2 members reacted to this post

rmlindsell New member

9POSTS

7 years ago

#10

I have been married to a Filipina for 14 years now, and am living in the Philippines. My advantage was that it came about as a result of working in Manila for almost three years, so I became aware of her family.

Ironically, they did not want her to marry me (I'm British-born and originally bred) but have willingly taken almost PHP2M over the years and are looking at another few.

C'est la vie (my Tagalog is still somewhat limited). It is a question of extent rather than attitude, methinks.

2 members reacted to this post

mugtech ViP

4731POSTS

7 years ago

#11

Jonny2840 wrote:
I really wish she would have just told me her situation or at least told me the whole story. Whatever the circumstances we could have worked together on it. I love her so much! I'm so hurt and confused.

You don't love her, you love the person you thought she was.聽 Obviously she will tell you any lies she deems required to get what she wants.聽 At this point you would be a fool to think you can ever believe a word she says.聽 Cut your losses asap.

10 members reacted to this post

pnwcyclist Philippines Expert

1489POSTS

7 years ago

#12

I'm not sure how long you knew your wife before you got married, but it is very important to get to know any woman well (Filipina or not) before getting married. In the case of Filipinas, there will always be cultural differences and often differences in personal values.聽 Not to mention possible conflicts due to being at a different life stage or lacking common interests, if there is a significant age or education gap.

I personally believe in at least a year or two of living together, whether here or in the US before making a commitment of that size. You don't really get to know a person's personality and values without seeing them day in and day out, under stress, etc. Not to mention how she reacts to the demands her family will place on her in many cases.

I am fortunate in that my woman's family here never asks for anything, even when they need help for things like medical, which I always help out on. People here are poor and often don't get checkups, so diseases like cancer are often discovered too late for treatment. I have to be proactive sometimes and I would rather they ask than someone dies from lack of treatment. Fortunately other family members are in a position to help also.

4 members reacted to this post

Jonny2840 Member

11POSTS

7 years ago

#13

Thank you all. I see a many of you believe this is unfixable. Since this time she has made no attempt to reconcile only blaming me and telling me marrying me was the worst mistake of her life. I will give her all her stuff back and will move on.

6 members reacted to this post

Enzyte Bob ViP

4301POSTS

7 years ago

#14

Sorry to hear what you are going through, this is a common story. I married a Filipina over 10 years ago in the states. Our financial arrangement was much better. She gave me her paycheck and I deposited it in our account. Each month I would Western Union $1,000
to her three sons. They are all college graduates now.

If you get back together, which I hope you don't, you should control the money so things don't get out of hand.

Unfortunately many Filipinas look at us as Atm's. I see so many posts from men who have met women online, there is no hope for these men. As Ross Perot (1992 candidate for President) said that big sucking sound you hear is a Filipina and your bank account.

If the respect in your marriage is gone, it's never going to come back.

I don't know what the community laws in your area are. Bite the bullet and get a divorce attorney, it will be cheaper in the long run.

Hope this makes you feel better: This is not the biggest mistake you will ever make, a bigger one is just down the road.

For your marriage: A quote from Lee Iacocca, mistakes are made because it seemed a good idea at the time.

5 members reacted to this post

Enzyte Bob ViP

4301POSTS

7 years ago

#15

1 member reacted to this post

Tim_L Serial expat

239POSTS

7 years ago

#16

Jonny,
Sorry to hear about your plight. I have to agree with others here, it's time to bail and chalk it up to a lesson learned. I could certainly never trust someone that was sending money to their ex's kids/baby momma and keeping it from me. That's pretty slimy actually. Sounds like she was just looking for a way out of PH at your expense.
I would pull the plug on the paperwork to get her PR so that she can't benefit from your kindness any longer. Good luck and again, sorry to hear this.

6 members reacted to this post

davaobound Member

14POSTS

7 years ago

#17

Hi Jonny
Agree with the above cut your loses and divorce. Though remember there is also a lot of decent Filipinos that are genuine and who do work and contribute to your joint costs.

Cancel the PR Visa as soon as possible before she claims domestic violence as an attempt to stay in the country. I have seen this happen in Australia and the women usually get to stay and 1 guy i know was a paraplegic so i would like to know how he committed the alleged domestic violence.

Life will get better when you finalize this bump in the road

7 members reacted to this post

Enzyte Bob ViP

4301POSTS

7 years ago

#18

One thing I forgot to mention聽 John. . . . . I'm sorry for the loss of your love of your life, it is a difficult thing to go through. Your'e feeling hurt & anger. . . . This is normal . . . . Now is the time to move on, it's difficult but each day . . . . then month. . . .and year gets easier.

6 members reacted to this post

steveb818 Member

24POSTS

7 years ago

#19

go to vegas.. divorce costed me $130

3 members reacted to this post

LemSaDipolog Contributor

113POSTS

7 years ago

#20

-Hello;

Gold-Digger, they can be VERY good at it as this one obviously has.聽 You are nothing but an ATM to her and her family.

2 members reacted to this post

powerkiter120 Active member

34POSTS

7 years ago

#21

take her on holiday to the Philippines and leave her there is probably the best bet , then she can use the cash they have stashed away for a rainy day to look after her

6 members reacted to this post

ken2018 Member

13POSTS

7 years ago

#22

think divorced , many filipinos marry foreigners to improve their lives or leave their country, i'm thinking your wife only wanted to get to canada, don't file for her divorced her yesterday, lesson learned, truth is very few really love you,

2 members reacted to this post

GuestPoster634 Guest

0POSTS

7 years ago

#23

I am married to pinay as well and yes you are responsible to help out the family but not to the extent you are. My wife got a job and her money is her money to do what she pleases with. I help out sometimes but not often and she also uses her money to buy me things and groceries. I went into this knowing these things and have had little to no problems. You just got a bad one. Get an attorney and get out now. It will only get worse if you stay with her. Sorry to sound harsh but GET OUT NOW.

There are plenty of loving Philippine women out there looking for a true love.
Good luck

1 member reacted to this post

Okieboy Serial expat

659POSTS

7 years ago

#24

Have you been married for two years in the USA there is a period I think it is聽 two years before she can get a PR and you have to agree ,if you divorce within the two years she has to go back to the Philippines

1 member reacted to this post

thewoodenpotter Active member

68POSTS

7 years ago

#25

Ok find out what the immigration situation is so at least you know where you stand. But by the look of it you not聽 got a good one, it happens.
Maybe confront her with the reality of her actions and consequences. But do so only after you know all the ramifications of the situation, get legal advice on both marriage and immigration.
If she moves out, then thats it cut your losses and make it a clean break and whatever the immigration status is then its on her head. Change the locks etc and get legal advice dont get caught out on not knowing what to do.
As there is no divorce in the Phils only costly annulment its all going to happen at your end. But if she goes back you can claim irreconcilable differences especially after 12 months Canada pretty well聽 runs on commonwealth law.

1 member reacted to this post

thewoodenpotter Active member

68POSTS

7 years ago

#26

it is an expectation for successful family members to contribute the their siblings and most assuredly a Filipino custom.

1 member reacted to this post

mugtech ViP

4731POSTS

7 years ago

#27

Okieboy wrote:
Have you been married for two years in the USA there is a period I think it is聽 two years before she can get a PR and you have to agree ,if you divorce within the two years she has to go back to the Philippines

He lives in Vancouver, Canada.聽 Hopefully he will be able to get rid of her all the same.

2 members reacted to this post

thedfords Active member

35POSTS

7 years ago

#28

You married a reject.聽 Send her back home.聽 Trust me this is not going to get better and the sooner you cut her loose the less you will loose.

1 member reacted to this post

thedfords Active member

35POSTS

7 years ago

#29

You married a reject. Unfortunately she's only in it for the money and to get out of the PI and you are definitely the walking atm.聽 Send her back home.聽 Trust me this is not going to get better and the sooner you cut her loose the less you will loose.聽 You can take the girl out of the slums but you can't take the slums out of the girl.聽 If that's the family she has been with it's the family she will always be with.聽 You will never be number one.聽 You will always be number 5 or number 10 depending upon all the people that come before you.

2 members reacted to this post

Bruce Ross New member

5POSTS

7 years ago

#30

If she has credit cards kill them today, your responsible for any debt she creates. Call a lawyer, see if your marriage can be annulled?
Don't give her another dime, and send her home.
If it will help your conscience, this woman has been lying to you since day 1, marry a foreigner, get the PR then dump your sorry ass and take half your assets. That how the game is played.
There are lots of sincere ladies that live in the Philippines, and there are conniving female dogs as well. Funny it's the same way here.
Good luck to you

3 members reacted to this post

Jonny2840 Member

11POSTS

7 years ago

#31

Does anyone know about annulment in Canada? We have only been married 3 months. I will visit the courthouse and a lawyer. I have contacted immigration although I can only give tips. They will investigate but they won't give any feedback on what actions they take on her. She took all her belongings and is playing the I was afraid so I left card. Luckily the police were present when she got her things and I stood beside them the whole time so she can't create any more lies. I don't have any assets but I do have a lot of dept, can she have half of that?

3 members reacted to this post

Tim_L Serial expat

239POSTS

7 years ago

#32

A quick google search of 鈥淎nnulment in Canada鈥� turned up lots of things. This was top of the list.

1 member reacted to this post

Jonny2840 Member

11POSTS

7 years ago

#33

Thanks so much!

GuestPoster634 Guest

0POSTS

7 years ago

#34

Divorce between a Filipina and a foreigner is accepted in the Philippines. What is forbidden is divorce between 2 Filipino national.
So, no need to ask for annulment. For the divorce, only the foreigner can start the process of divorce. You do it in Canada. When you are officially divorced, you give the papers to your ex wife and if she wants she can go to the court in Philippines to make it official for her if ever she wants to marry again in the Philippines.
I know 3 cases of French who married in the Philippines and who had the same kind of problems as yours and they divorced in France. They got married again in the Philippines later on with no problems. Beside Philippines, the only country not allowing divorce is Vatican.
For the divorce in the Philippines you can check article 26 (2) of the Family code.

2 members reacted to this post

Tim_L Serial expat

239POSTS

7 years ago

#35

Personally, I would even bother giving her a copy of the papers. Let her spend the money and time to get them for herself. Yes, I am a d**k like that. Lol

3 members reacted to this post

LemSaDipolog Contributor

113POSTS

7 years ago

#36

When you leave her stuck in the Philippines she can get, and perhaps you can get a divorce based on abandonment.

You get to walk away with a big lessen and smaller wallet.聽 Do not think with your boy toy.

2 members reacted to this post

Jonny2840 Member

11POSTS

7 years ago

#37

Hopefully when immigration is done with her she won't be able to do this again. She can stay stuck in the Philippines and wallow in her own lies and self pity.

1 member reacted to this post

GuestPoster634 Guest

0POSTS

7 years ago

#38

For now, I would suggest writing up a timeline or a journal. Start with what happened recently. Note down the date and perhaps also the time. Note down also phone calls and messages.

For example:
- Feb. 3, 2019. 2::30pm: Wife came in a red Honda Civic with another Filipino woman. She took her clothes, phone, passport and other personal belongings in a suitcase and her backpack. Two officers, Columbo and Bosch were at my house when this happened. She mumbled some words in Filipino, yelled at me, told the officers I was _______________ . She left in the same vehicle at around _________ .

- Feb. 2, 2019. No word from my wife. No text messages. Tried calling her 5 times on her cellphone at _______ . No answer.

- Feb. 1, 2019. Wife has not returned. I learned that she is staying with her friend at ____ . Looked through her personal belongings here at home and found a list in her handwriting which I think is a list of people back in the Philippines to whom she had been remitting money. (I have made a photocopy of this list.)

Try to be objective rather than subjective in your notes.聽

Then backtrack by doing a timeline of how you met, date and location of your wedding, when you started the sponsorship process, etc., when she started working, etc.

This will really help your lawyer if you have notes / journal and a timeline.

Assume (or maybe even accept) that you and your wife will never get reconciled. You need to protect yourself. If your wife had keys to your house, change your locks, because you never know if she would do damage or set you up. Consider installing a simple cctv.

4 members reacted to this post

thedfords Active member

35POSTS

7 years ago

#39

FilAmericanMom, that is great advice!

Jonny2840 Member

11POSTS

7 years ago

#40

That is the truth. Thank you so much for this. With so much hurt and emotions running around it's hard to stay grounded. This is a great suggestion thank you again!

1 member reacted to this post